How often have you been frustrated with people who are habitually difficult to deal with?
Difficult people are in the minority, but they take more time and energy to work with than people who are cooperative and collaborative.
Also there are a multitude of different types of difficult people, as all of us are unique.
If we react poorly to difficult people, or let them carry on, we have lost the opportunity to resolve the matter easily. We are also training them to continue the difficult behaviour.
So what we are looking for is a universal way of dealing with all types of difficult people.
Here are five rules for dealing with all types of difficult people that work for me, maybe you too:
RULE 1 – Be Calm and Centred Yourself
It is most important that you remain calm and attentive, regardless of their behaviour. Allow the space of a few moments, breathe deeply and stay deliberately calm and listening carefully to what is being said or done.
There is never any need to react.
In the event that the issue is someone saying or doing nothing, remain calm and prepare to ask the right open ended question – we’ll cover open ended questions shortly.
The person who remains calm is always the best person to resolve any issue. Calm people think better than people who are not calm.
RULE 2 – Listen & Observe Before You Say or Do Anything
Listen and observe carefully their behaviour to determine what their point is – usually criticism, negativity, disagreement or different agenda or a breach of agreed action. Again there is no need to rush the listening and observing. Get clear about what it is that they are saying or doing that is difficult.
If the behaviour is a rant or a continuous action, interject with a firm “Excuse me, I’d like to ask you a question” then apply rule 3.
If the behaviour is silence or inaction you can move to rule 3.
RULE 3 – Ask Helpful Open-ended Questions
Ask an open-ended question about what they said or did, or didn’t say or didn’t do, in a patient and respectful tone.
An open-ended question usually begins with WHO, WHAT, WHY, HOW, WHERE, WHEN and WHAT IF. The aim of the question is to ensure a revealing thoughtful answer. It is a respectful challenge to their behaviour.
Having asked the question apply rule 2. Then if need be, ask another open-ended respectful question that challenges their answer.
It is important that you persist with your respectful questioning until the behaviour improves. Never allow a put-off answer to go unchecked, nor settle for the put-off answer.
Develop and practice a repertoire of open-ended questions you can ask that will help the difficult person re-think their behaviour or clarify what they mean or do.
After each question is asked, remember to apply rule 2.
RULE 4 – Do Not Avoid
Never let the difficult behaviour go unchecked. Stand up to it always at the time it occurs.
However, be careful not to persist if their anger looks like getting out of control.
Do tell them that you’ll be back to resolve the matter when they have calmed down.
RULE 5 - Acknowledge
Always acknowledge movement in the right direction with an authentic “Thank you” or “Great” or “That’s correct” or some appropriate comment that rewards the improved behaviour.
Conclusion
There is no need to stress or be concerned about other people’s behaviour. So long as they are not physically violent, we can help them to change with patient firm respectful persistence, and in the form of open ended questions.
You could write a list of all the open-ended questions that will cause the difficult people you usually face to re-think or respond more appropriately. Think about their usual response to the first question, then write another question that digs deeper into their response, and so on. Be able to go five questions deep.
Rehearsal and practice is the best way to master this skill.
Run the scenario through in your mind, practicing calmness through deep breathing as you go. Listen carefully to the imagined response or action and ask the next question.
By respectfully confronting difficult or undesirable behaviour in the right way, right away, we can save time and energy and help difficult people to adjust their ways.
What’s been your experience?
