An Ultimate Recipe to Deal with Difficult People?

I was asked that question by a person on Quora recently.

Here is my answer.

Yes, I believe there is.

However, there are nuances and variations that depend upon your own behaviour and communication traits, and those of the difficult person, and we are all unique.

That said, here is the process I coach to my clients, which I developed from my experience in leading and developing covert operators and conducting hostile negotiations. This process requires careful practice and coaching to master. It is unwise to just read and deploy.

1. Become calm and centred first - use ‘blocked breathing’ technique - in deeply to the count of 5, hold for 5, out fully for 5, hold for 5, in deeply for 5…
2. Observe body language and listen to what’s going or being said - nod as it’s happening. The aim here is to slow things down.
3. Do not answer immediately to any response but take a breath and think about a respectful constructive open-ended question that moves things forward. This will need coaching and practice.
4. Ask questions to understand fully what’s going on with the other person. Acknowledge your understanding.
5. Ask “What’s the best way to move forward and stay in honour with each other/our agreement/our values etc?
6. Listen to response, agree if appropriate.
7. If not appropriate, ask “What’s an alternative solution that takes care of (what’s missing from what would be appropriate)?
8. Once agreement is reached ask for commitment and accountability - “How can we commit to this and remain accountable to each other?”
9. Ask “What should be the consequences if either of us don’t deliver/live up to/honour etc., our agreement?
10. Listen to response, agree if appropriate or ask as in 7 above.

Notes:

1. If the person is in anger/temper/highly emotional mode, do not engage until things are settled down. Ask “Can we come back to this when we are both feeling more Okay?”
2. Because we are all unique, there is never any guarantee that things will work out - sometimes they won’t.
3. Remember this key clue - The person who remains calm and centred and asking respectful open-ended questions, is the person most able to be in control.
4. I can effectively coach for this live online, customised to the difficult person you might be dealing with. Go here for contact.